We look into the many reasons why we aren’t able to attract the right person into our life. We also go deep into the intentions of what we’re looking for. And how with the wrong intentions and the wrong ideas of love, the kind of person we hope to attract tend to be a concoction of chaos and disappointment instead.
Now let’s get down to it.
image: Andrew Tanglao
1.There’s No Other Half to Complete You – You ARE Complete
Everyone is busy looking for someone to “complete” them. The fact of the matter is, there’s no such person. The idiom ” Other half” originated from an idea that once two people wed, they were a part of a union, which constitutes that there is one of each part to form a whole ( a union ). And that’s all there is to it. It’s just a saying or word to describe our partner.
You as an individual must groom yourself to be the best of what you are, for your ownself first and not for anyone else. You came into this World solo. Now your time on earth is spent by absorbing as much useful knowledge, doing good and influencing others to do the same (make the World a better place than when you came into it).
So stay away from the distraction of looking for this myth monster “Other half” that clearly have made you lose your focus on bettering yourself, your life. Be authentically you and be that role model of what you always dream to be and the “Love” that’s most compatible to your values will show up in due time.
Do you have a vision of what and who you aspire to be? I mean take a pen and paper and write that character down. In details, what person do you aspire to become.
- good at public speaking ✓
- mystically attractive ✓
- excellent conversationalist ✓
- articulate and witty ✓
- very well groomed and poise ✓
- has a warm approachability factor✓
- hair always smelling good ✓
There’s so much you can note down. If you have a vision of how you would look like, sound like, behave like…that’s the visual you should manifest.
If you still feel you’re not enough then now is the time to work on that confidence. As much as it’s hard to hear this, you ARE already more than enough for yourself. You feel this way because you’ve compared yourself to someone else who isn’t you. And you’ve neglected that part of you that’s still evolving and developing. So you set expectations that aren’t congruent with your phase of life. You’ve even given yourself unrealistic goals.
Imagine being like Madonna or any class act for that matter. They’re always changing and improving as an artist. Well, for most of them, yes.
So take it as you’re an artist that’s still learning and discovering every aspect of being You. You’ll never be done with your masterpiece because that’s the beautiful thing about discovery. You’re always on this new adventure with yourself every single day. So you complete You first and the rest will fall into place. Understand that you’re always changing and ever developing. And that’s ok.
2.I want the Perfect Partner cos I know I’m worth it
Hate to burst your bubble there, perfect comes in imperfection. Now when you think “perfect” partner, what exactly do you have in mind? All the right and goodie traits right? Maybe height, size, mannerisms, looks , sexual preference, maybe loyal, reliable, similar hobbies, a certain type of look, exact same values and maybe even that they’d come from a super awesome family that you can get along with. Maybe they’re the opposite of you and you believe that this arrangement actually works.
Why worry about something that’s beyond your control? I mean you can talk about manifesting all you want but it’s based on a circumstance that’s not within your powers. The manifesting has to come from Your own being, inside out.
How about focusing on what is within your control? You.
You obviously can’t control how others react to your love right? You can’t force someone to like you or fall in love with you because you might not fit their criteria. So go ahead and fulfil your own criteria. What you aspire to be.
Beauty and attraction comes in so many different forms, shapes, sizes , colours and styles. There’s no one way to say someone or something is beautiful. And in whose eyes ? So what do we do?
Again, YOU are the very essence of what you attract. Like attracts like and sometimes the opposites. There’s no way around it. Yes, you are worth it but your worth is defined by you and you alone. It’s hard to force someone to honour your worth unless they believe so themselves. And they’ll show how much you mean to them in many different ways depending on their style of love language and based on their terms not yours.
To attract the right partner for you is by being the right person yourself. Right will attract right. We tend to attract similar traits or traits that are the prey for other types of traits. The dark traits of people. So we’d want to adapt and adopt better character traits or stronger ones depending on what you aspire to be. Don’t adopt a trait just to use it as a defence mechanism to steer away “predators”. It has to come naturally, with neutral or good intention and manifested from a will to sincerely transform.
A so called “predator” won’t approach someone they know they can’t fool or make use of, or at least the predator that you do attract, is someone who you can still manage without much difficulty. Think of it as, they attracted you so that you could guide them out from their dark traits.
In some context, you might even be the teacher to the so called “predator”. So you might not necessarily be the prey but instead the teacher that slaps them back into place. So to speak.
3.Trying Harder is Better?
So you’ve been on many dating apps, you’ve texted all known available single friends that you think “might” like you or that you stand a good chance with if you try hard enough, and you’ve been on countless blind dates set up by your buddies. You’ve even contacted back some old flames just to see how. Still nothing?
The myth here is that, if you try hard enough, someone somewhere will come to your rescue or hear your mating call and you think this desperate behaviour is ok. No, it’s not ok.
That is NOT how you want things to project.
No 1 : Check your behaviour. Are you projecting the desperate “please date me” persona cos I feel old and need to get laid before I rot into dust type? Yea, most probably if you’re a horny adult, you are projecting this and it’s a human repellent basically. So check how you behave.
Somebody told me that there was this girl that tried to pick up her sister’s husband at a wedding cos she was oblivious that the woman sitting beside him was indeed his wife. The girl asked her (the wife) “Could you move so I can sit here?” and the guy said, ” No. That’s my wife you’re speaking to.”
Oh people were so annoyed cos everyone found out about it.True story
No 2: Listen to what and how you’re saying something. Your communication style and language might project someone desperate for attention. Coupled with a very nasty and desperate behaviour, that’s an unhealthy concoction for anyone to drink. Keep the flirt minimal and tasteful. When you go overboard, that’s when it’s creepy for both men and women.
No 3: Change your Intention. The reason why you’re not getting attached is because you’re doing it for the wrong reasons. Like ; I’m very old and still single, I want legal sex for free, I’m desperate to have a family like my other friends do or I need someone to complete me . Does anything sound right to you?
Your intentions must all be in positive notes not negative.
Here’s an example of what a positive note sounds like ( again these are only examples, so find your own voice on what speaks to you ).
” I am the best version of myself today and will be tomorrow, for myself and those I love. And I will always reach up to be my highest self, that is empowered, respectful, loving and kind towards myself and those around me. Whatever the highest self would look like, I will do my best to be that. So as to live an abundant and expansive life. Fulfilling my passions and achieving my dreams in order to live out my purpose.”Leoni Matahari
Whoaaaaa….that’s deep right.
Well, we’re humans. We crave connection. Be it with humans, animals, the earth or God.
Maybe because you’ve not found any kind of special connection with anyone before and are envious of those who have. Or maybe you are craving for the familiar of the past you used to have with someone who you can’t forget. Or it could even be that you are addicted to the sense of being loved by someone who you can be intimate with and that dopamine effect is extremely addictive if you’re not aware of it. I know, I’ve been there.
Anyway, trying too hard is a turnoff and you wouldn’t want to build such a reputation.
4.I want what they have cos I’m lonely
You feel lonely and sad whenever you see other people doing couple things and living that couple life, #couplegoals kinda thing and you really really really want that experience like vanilla ice cream on hot waffles with whip.
Myth no 4 : You believe that you’re lonely because you have no one to share your life with.
So the thing is, relationships are not sweet and spicy and all things nice. It’s usually very complicated, it gets messy and there’s a lot of miscommunication. We just think that it’s all this big beautiful things when it’s actually a lot of hard work keeping it together.
1. You assume that being with someone will make this lonely spell go away.
You have to love being with yourself first. The one best friend, greatest ally is you. Do you not enjoy your own company?
When someone sees how comfortable you are being with yourself and you project this independence and loving confidence, you will naturally attract similar traits or at least someone who aspires to be like you and would love to associate with you.
2. You believe that being with a partner can cure some personal issues you might have
No one can inject confidence in you or stop you from gambling or make you a better organiser. They can influence you but they still aren’t responsible or have the power to change you to be a better person. It’s always dependant on you. How you want to respond to that influence.
You have to want to figure out how to be a better version of yourself. Being with a good partner may help but then again your intentions will change.
You’ll develop a dependency. You will assume that from now on, be it good or bad behaviours of yourself especially the bad one, you will then blame your partner for your bad behaviour. Cos you’ve planted that thought in your head that they made you better (so you think you can’t live without them) or made you worse ( for bad influence ).
3. You use the template of others and assume that this is the ultimate template for being in a relationship
Ok so, I was guilty of this back in the days of dating-hood. I was hoping my partner in the past to be a gentleman, to be a loving person and someone who would give me flowers on a random day like how some other men did for the women they love. Someone who will stand up for me when my friends make a stupid remark about me and bully me. NO. They didn’t. The reality is way different from this point of view.
It’s not going to happen how you imagine it would be. At least not in relationships. You have no power to change someone unless you are really good at influencing or you use your charisma at your advantage. If you pressure yourself or someone else into believing that “dreams” or expectations like this, MUST exist in a relationship then I’m afraid you’re going to be disappointed a lot and you’ll have to face break ups after break ups and even be ghosted.
Every relationship is different and their experiences will vary depending on how they communicate and respect each other. So don’t assume a “perfect looking couple” is always happy and that they have a perfect relationship. There never is one.
5.You Believe That Someone else can Fill up a Void In Your Soul
Let’s address this shall we?
You are lonely because your foundation is unstable, uncertain, rocky or filled with drama and trauma. It could be that you have family or relationship issues , you are not stable whether financially, spiritually, emotionally or mentally, you have many bad habits that pull your life down like gambling, temper , or having debt with people on the regular and you developed character traits that are either unpleasant , needy or shallow.
A person can be alone but still never be lonely. How?
They’ve got a job, they’ve got savings. They’re finances are in order, they’ve got a roof over their head, they’re grateful, they have friends that care, they’re close to family. They are confident of themselves. They’re genuine.
They build good relationships. Their intentions are good and clear. They respect themselves and have principles and values and other people can see that too.
They project positivity and love without being too forward or loud about it. They’re gracious and carry themselves well. They’re not boastful or always talk about themselves ( people hate that ).
They’re approachable and are loved by many. People gravitate towards them because of this quality, that warmth and credibility. They are not obsessed with anything in particular but they do go deep into meanings and bigger life views when it matters.
They’re quietly beautiful intellectually and spiritually. They love unconditionally and give with no expectations. They do things bigger than themselves. When you do something bigger than yourself unintentionally and feel complete and happy doing it, you automatically realise that this is your purpose and this act itself fills up that void you call loneliness.
So how do we address this void?
-Connect with the Universe/ Higher Being/ Al-Mighty
-Adjust your values if you don’t have any
-Check your attitude
-Listen more than talk
-Be open and vulnerable but keep a good guard at the same time (vulnerability displays sincerity and honesty), a value many are looking for.
-If you’re the sort that loves to boast about yourself, change that. Start edifying others instead. Especially those who you are jealous at. Be humble. And telling others how humble you are, is NOT humility by the way.
-Appreciate and value others, especially if they’ve given you their time and made the effort.
-Trust in the beauty within yourself and others can see it too.
I’ve gone through many years of trying to find that someone to complete me when all I had to do was complete myself first and then the attraction of the Universe will find you that partner that will complement you.
I hope that all this clears up your doubts and it uncovers the myths and may you some day get to meet that special someone.
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