I was a very impressionable young lady in my teens and in that exciting time, I got involved with a young man who was a junkie (of course I only found this out later). I practically jumped into a relationship with an almost stranger.
Now I don’t know to what extend of a junkie he was and what kinds of drugs he was into but I really wasn’t ready for this hurricane of an experience.
How we met :
This odd but quirky guy came from an all-boys school up the hill from where I had worked during my teens (Tacobell) and every end of his school session , he and his friends would come on down to the mall and have lunch.
He’d seen me a few times during my shift and he had a thing for tanned skinned girls, so he asked me out and that was that.
The Fun Rebellion :
In a nutshell, he seemed like an honest, stand up and independent guy ya know. One where you’d feel safe but then at the same time, the scary way he’d show you how he would actually defend you is quite the awakening.
He was scary. Not in a violent way but he did everything in a very out of my regular tv programming kinda way ya know. He’d pee in a trash can in public, which was an awful eye opener, he’d tell people off if they didn’t move down the row to let me sit on the train and much more which I shan’t share cos it’s too personal and too mind boggling that it might not be nice to share even for lessons sake.
But he was fun to be with. It was always unpredictable. Where we’d go, what we’d do, where we’d sit. The things we talked about was… very simple yet in its simplicity lies a deeper more mysterious feeling. I don’t know how else to describe it. Being in his company was a very interesting experience. We’d laze around a lot at his house, his dad was ok with it and we hardly ever saw his step mum cos she works a lot. A normal Singaporean family.
“What’s going on?” :
So one afternoon, we went to town, had lunch, watch a movie. Seems pretty normal. Then we walked and window shopped, he’s not much of a shopper actually so we’d just float around aimlessly (what teens love to do). He just liked to talk to me most of the time. So we’d chat as we were walking, and then as I wanted to reach into his jeans pocket for his hands, he stepped away from me.
I was taken aback by this reaction so I asked,” What’s wrong?
He immediately went into panic mode (my first time seeing this reaction by the way) as if he had committed the biggest crime in his life. I was even more intrigued and demanded an answer on what’s wrong?
He apologised and apologised and begged me not to leave him. I was just confused. “Ok, can you just tell me what the hell is going on? Why don’t you want me to reach into your pocket?”
He did not show me that day as we were in public ( I never saw it anyway so I don’t even know if its true) but he told me that he had drugs on him. And I was like,” I’m sorry WHAT?!”
This was the day that I found out that he was a junkie. And the thing is I don’t even know what kind of junkie. He’d never shown me or brought me into his secret World cos he keeps telling me, ” B, you’re a good girl, I don’t want you to know ok. I’m trying to get out of that and become a better person for you, trust me ok.”
In my mind I was like, “Umm… I have never been with a junkie before so I don’t even know what trust looks like in your World.” But I believed in him and hoped for the best.
Always giving the benefit of the doubt. Supporting him by being there for him whenever.
The Mental Breakdown :
There is a reason for this mental breakdown of his but I’m not able to share it, so we’d just say that it was a very frustrating conversation that involved disloyalty. Not anyone’s in particular, it was just a speculation and personal frustration on his part. He had created this odd picture and reality from what he thinks he understands.
Ok plain and simple, he was going through an episode of paranoia and I happened to be placed on the train tracks of his mind.
It was scary cos I didn’t know what to expect next. It was a hell of a roller coaster ride and I felt nauseous. And I didn’t want to abandon him at this trying time but it was borderlining the Joker level of cray cray, the Heath Ledger version. I mean it wasn’t anything really extreme but for a young teen that was a first experience of something very disturbingly psychological. I was helpless. I was just thankful that it wasn’t violence or anything. He was still very gentle with me.
The Pictures on the wall :
So when I was a teen, I was in a local film, no biggie, it was an art film and well we made it to Sundance as a nominee (wait, did we? Mm..yea I think we did).
So anyway, by this time, he’d seen me in the film, he went to the premier with me and in the span of a couple of months, we had quite a photo collection of each other. We used to get those neoprints too. Remember those?
So one day, I went into his room and just decided to look around the room while he was there of course, I’m not a creep. I realised the most endearing yet borderline creepy thing he did. My photo was at every corner. Like one photo here, one there etc. Anyway, I felt so loved. At that time, I didn’t feel at all that it was creepy. I appreciated it but I did ask him if he missed me..a lot? To explain all the photos and my film poster pasted on his ceiling.
He’d say I’m the best girlfriend he ever had and I didn’t question anything about it after that. Mega awww…moment.
The BBQ Affair:
We were invited to my cousin’s barbeque. She’d always invite me to all her meetups with her friends and such. I knew her friends and she knew mine, we were that close back then.
So my guy was having fun and then he happened to chance upon some of his friends in the opposite chalet. He was so happy to see old faces cos he honestly wasn’t comfortable with making new friends. He just felt safer with people he already knew.
I was in the room and I have no idea what was going on outside. I just knew everyone was eating and laughing and I was in the room resting cos I had just gotten back from a flight and was jet lagged. I knew he was in safe hands, that’s all that mattered.
So then he disappeared. And my cousin saw where he had gone and with whom. He was with a girl. He knew this girl and he was seen behaving in an inappropriate manner over at the other chalet. My cousin ran inside to let me know and I woke up startled. She told me and I prepared.
Two can play at this game:
He had come back from his little rendezvous like as though nothing even happened. Lililala-ing to a song like he just struck lottery and was as happy as a monkey. He went inside the room to check on me. I was supposedly fast asleep but I woke up.
I lifted my body from the core of my stomach (something that you’d see if someone was possessed) and pulled myself up from the bed into a sitting position.
Then I slowly turned my head without saying a word and grabbed my hairbrush. He saw me get up cos he was sitting beside me and started talking to me about seeing his friends over on the other side. And as he was talking he’d notice my strange and odd demeanour and he stopped to ask.
” B..what’s wrong?”, I continued brushing my hair. I have very long hair and I brushed it very slowly. I turned my head back towards him and began whispering , “…you love me right?’ And for a moment there, he froze.
He continued, “b……what’s happening? Are you ok? Why are you talking funny?”
I then said, “…I’m sure you do. I care about you a lot. I really do.” And that was when he got super scared.
He spoke out loud to the room saying, ” Don’t harm my sayang (love) okay, she’s a good person. I’m the one that do bad things. Don’t harm her, don’t harm her.” Talking to the spirits who he thought had possessed me.
I leaned and laid back down to sleep. The next morning, we all packed and headed out and I pretended to not recall about anything the night before. He said that something had happened. I asked him what it was and he explained the momentary episode. He was wondering why it happened because it freaked him out. He was trying to retrace his steps.
Then I asked, “Do you suspect that you did anything wrong last night? Maybe you did something you weren’t supposed to.” One of the reasons that spiritual disturbances occur is because you’ve upset the “home” of the spirit or did something that was unpleasant or rude or maybe you were hanging out where a lot of “them” lived.
So he shut his trap, looked confused and puzzled and his eyes widened a bit. I said, ” Well, if you feel that you didn’t do anything wrong, then so be it. Don’t worry about it at all.”
We never spoke about that episode again after that day, and neither did I say someone witnessed your unbecoming self in the bushes. It was just too exhausting to discuss. So we broke up a few weeks after that due to his other paranoia episode. Back in the year 2000, mental health wasn’t yet a thing of importance, it was just something we deal with.
So why didn’t I confront him about what he did?
Simple.
You have the right to love who you want to love and I know for a fact that if you were happy, satisfied and content in the relationship you won’t be doing whatever you did. And I’m glad that it happened so that I could find the person who actually complements me.
It’s not that what he did was ok and that I condone such behaviour but I’m not going to demonize him either for a natural human emotion that at some point will eventually happen if he found being with me not a joy or satisfactory. My philosophy might not sit well with some of you who are reading this but this relates to your self worth and self love.
You do not belong to anyone and nobody belongs to you. We only belong to the Greater power of the Almighty and we are simply spiritual beings in human form. Our energies is transformative and it attracts. Once your frequencies are in order and form a balance, you will start to attract the “right” people, the right energies.
So yes it may hurt. You cry and cringe and spend sleepless nights and you ask yourself why, why but it’s all okay because it’s leading you towards leveling up. Most people don’t cheat for no reason, though a small percentage are pathological and repeat this pattern due to a high of oxytocin, one might get addicted to that feeling of thrill.
Most times, it’s something as simple as being ignored or not feeling the love or support from one’s partner or not being able to be satisfied by them either. All these contributes to someone going the other way. So don’t demonize before understanding. Once you realise this universal flow of energy and the dynamics of love, you’ll see the big picture.
When that day comes young Padawan, you’ll understand what I mean. The people around you can sense, see, hear and feel that love you have that exudes of self worth and self love. You’ll be a magnet and abundance will surround you. You’ll have too many to choose from, so be careful. With great power comes great moxie.
Be confident. Trust in the flow of good energies. Watch how the Universe unfolds. Read yourself and ask, “Why does this always happen to me?” There is a pattern you’re repeating that keeps attracting the wrong persons. So be still. Understand before undermining and undervaluing. There’s always a reason behind someone’s actions, even yours.
Well, that prank as cruel as it seemed was nothing but a play on the mind and guilty conscience. Was it a lesson for him? Maybe not, I’ll never know. It was my way of handling things at that age. I was a teen anyway and I could already understand what ” belong ” means. So I hope that someday, you get to feel what that is too.
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-LM
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